Love is Louder

3 May

There have been times in my life where I haven’t wanted to kill myself, but the pain of living seemed almost unbearable. To the outside world, I was on top of the world, soaring to great heights with so much potential. I was smart, level-headed, straight-A student, athletic, cheerful… perfect. But behind closed doors, I heaved giant, silent sobs on my knees, soaking the carpet. I would raise my head up and whisper, “why?” or “when does it end?” as the tears ran down. There were no words to describe the emotional struggle, but it was lonely and heart- wrenching. The two things that saved me were my eating disorder, and the order it brought to my life, and the hope that there was life beyond the pain, that one day things would be okay again. The former served its purpose, but I’m learning to let go of. But the latter? I will never let go of hope.

The worst part of my struggle was having to hide it. There was no one to ease the burden and the next day I would have to be “perfect Erin” once again. So many people have said to me, “I always thought you had the perfect life, the perfect future, and the perfect family.” They were just a little off…

I wish I had had someone to share some of the pain with, someone to just listen. Maybe then the eating disorder wouldn’t have gotten so bad. I wish I had reached out for help when I felt lonely, scared, and overwhelmed, instead of finding solace in starving myself down to perfection, to nothing. But I didn’t because I felt that no one would believe me or that I would get in trouble and be blamed for the huge problems with my family. I feared my eating disorder, my life preserver, would be stripped away if I told someone and I would drown in the sea of emotional pain.

I wish I could have seen that I could exist without an eating disorder. I wish someone would have told me that it was okay to not be perfect, to let go of the obsession to be thin, to share the pain. That no matter what, they would still love me.

So that is why I have put up a new widget in the sidebar to support “Love is Louder” through SocialVibe. It is an organization started by the actress Brittany Snow that strives to help anyone who feels isolated, mistreated, or misunderstood. They offer free emotional screenings and support, especially for young adults, who feel powerless and overwhelmed. Their mission is summed up on their website:

“We are here to raise the volume around a critical message — that love and support is more powerful than the external and internal voices that bring us down, cause us pain and make us feel hopeless.”

It is free to help. Just click on the widget, and through SocialVibe, companies support the charities that receive the most clicks. You may not know who your click goes to help, but they will know someone cared.

Make a difference today. Show the world:

Love IS Louder.


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