Words I’ll Never Say

19 Jun

“You never leave someone behind. You take a part of them and leave some of yourself behind.”

 Today, I met an old friend while picking up some flowers at Home Depot who I hadn’t seen since I was in the depths of my eating disorder. Like most people who struggle with anorexia, as my obsession over seeing the scale creep down escalated, so did my isolation. This sweet, caring person used to be an important part of my life and took care of me as if I was her own child when my own mother couldn’t. You’d think I’d keep in touch with someone like that…

 But I didn’t. And I regret it.

 We kept the conversation light and chatted about superficial things like the flowers we were buying and  the Texas heat(ugh… it was 106 F in Austin today!). I’m really good at stuffing down my emotions; it’s a quality that kept me alive in a horrible home life for years. And I’m angry that I did the same thing today, as if nothing had changed, as if I haven’t grown and conquered many of my biggest obstacles. I really didn’t care about talking about the weather( I mean who really wants to be reminded they are living in an oven?). What I really wanted to shout was, ” I still think about you all the time. You were always so sweet, so generous, and so warm-hearted towards me. I’ll always believe I never did enough to thank you. Most importantly, I miss you: I’m sorry I lost contact and drifted away. I wish life hadn’t gotten so complicated and mixed up, that you were still a part of my life. Because you were like another mom to me and there is no one quite like you in my life anymore. You are unreplaceable.”

 But instead, with a lump in my throat, I pushed my cart out into the Home Depot parking lot and walked out her life again. I truly do wish we never had to say goodbye to great friends and the people we love. Because I do miss and love her and her family. But I hope in the time I was given with them, I left a little of myself.

 Because a little of them will always be with me, written on my heart.

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