A Love that Pulls You Through

5 Nov

Have you ever had to lose someone you loved? You love them, yet you know it’s best to let them go. With tears streaming down my face, I am writing this post because I am going to lose someone I love soon– my precious, adorable, sweet old dog, Freckles.

She is old… 14 years. I knew this was coming, but it doesn’t make it any easier. 

This morning she seemed fine. I mean she’s been sleeping a lot lately, but that’s to be expected of an old dog. Nothing out of the ordinary… it became our routine. Her laying at my feet as I typed away on my computer, the click of the keyboard a lullaby to her doggy dreams of endless kibble and long, drawn-out walks.

And again, she lays at my feet, but this time, not sleeping peacefully but in a painful slump. As though just breathing and being here is an effort. She’s had an arduous day- no appetite, listless, and unwilling to walk much further than around our apartment building. Her eyes are unfocused, dull and half-closed as her legs twitch convulsively. I think this is the first day she’s ever NOT eaten, especially chicken, and I hadn’t noticed how many ribs I could feel until this afternoon. It seemed to sneak up on me… how could she go downhill this fast?

I wonder what I will do… how many days I cried into her fur, my sobs saturating her coat. She listened better than any human and gave the appropriate paw for “more petting please” as I grappled with the difficulties of life, my hands grasping the only thing in the apartment that reminded me life was soft, warm, and pretty darn cute.

So many days she kept me safe. Freckles has saved me so many starve-days or purge episodes. Simply because she loves, like all dogs, unconditionally. It didn’t matter if I royally messed up that day, how my pants fit, what number was on the scale, or whether or not I ate the “right” foods. To her, it was only me.

And now, I am no longer numb from the eating disorder, so I feel the pain of losing her. How hard it is to watch suffering. And how many times I have asked myself the past few hours, why does it have to be this way? Why must she ache and bruise, stumble and forget, starve and waste away? Yes, it’s part of life, but who designed that?

Yes, as a life is reblooming, so many opportunities restored to my horizon, another is closing. What will I do without her? I can’t fathom it yet. I have no idea how I will ever say goodbye. But I do know one thing… her love has been a tipping factor in my recovery.

Though she may leave me soon, I will keep her in my heart always.

Because it was her love that pulled me through.

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4 Responses to “A Love that Pulls You Through”

  1. simply.bekah November 5, 2011 at 11:45 PM #

    I came across your blog on tagsurfer and this post made me tear up. I am so sorry that you have to say goodbye to your precious companion. I know all to well how important my dog was when I needed him to pull me through some really dark times.
    Sending good thoughts and peace your way.

    ~SimplyBekah

    • eodwyer November 6, 2011 at 10:16 AM #

      Bekah,
      Thanks so much for your kind words. It’s true, isn’t it? Dogs are just about the perfect companions. I’d never say my dog and I ever had a bad day together. And I am so sad I have to see her go. It was so nice to see support from a reader who knows what that bond is like. Thank you.
      Erin

  2. LeRoy Dean November 6, 2011 at 10:17 AM #

    Freckles and you will be together in the “back roads” of your mind for the rest of your life.

    • eodwyer November 6, 2011 at 10:26 AM #

      Aww… Thank you so much. It’s true. I will never forget her.

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